The First Week of Parenthood

Posted on March 17, 2021

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My husband, Sid, and I have been parents to the sweetest baby boy for about five days now. Between sleeplessness and major doubts in our abilities as parents, we have been able to find moments of deep joy. When he looks into my eyes, the whole world stops. Sometimes, just looking at him, I weep. Tears of joy and disbelief. A miracle really. How did I get so lucky? Am I deserving of this happiness?

I had terrible post-partum after I brought him home. I had a bad panic attack the second night. My husband was lovely and took over the nightly duties for me as much as he could. But the nervousness is real. There are negative thoughts in my head so often. Is this my life now? I can’t just up and leave when I want? Will my husband and I ever have alone time? Why did I decided to do this again? I have dreams of him dying in his sleep or being in distress and me not being able to soothe him.

I am so grateful for my mindfulness practice. It allows me to be present with my suffering. I have been practicing Tonglen meditation more often lately. It is the practice of giving and receiving in equal measure. I inhale my suffering and anxiety, I exhale peace and ease. I do this till I am more settled.

When I look at my husband with our baby, I am overwhelmed with so much love. The way he holds him and talks to him. I had only heard that parenthood can bring couples closer, but I never thought it would happen for me, because I pretty much adore my boo a gross amount, LOL. But here I am, watching them as I sip my coffee.

That’s it from me for now.

Here’s a photo of us. You can follow us on Instagram.

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