Hopes, goals and dreams

Posted on March 9, 2018

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This is part of a series of poems I am writing based on my experience of practicing the vipassana meditation daily. It is a non-guided meditation in the tradition of S.N. Goenka that one can learn by attending a 10-day silent retreat – without phones, books, or journals even. I returned from my 2nd retreat on February 11th. Today is Day 29 of having meditated daily. To know more about vipassana, please visit http://www.dhamma.org.

I am not all the things I had once dreamed of,
But all the things I am, would have once seemed impossible,
The roads I’ve travelled, the mountains I’ve scaled,
The stories I’ve told implausible.
I didn’t believe in me and I didn’t believe in god or the universe,
I worked hard. I worked smart. But I had no conviction.
Yet I went on to win battles I hadn’t known I would wage,
The trauma of past lives, the lava of rage,
A web of feelings and habits, an invisible cage.
I sit by myself. In darkness, I sit still.
I feel a little light. I feel it deep within.
Anger, envy, judgement and insecurity,
Replaced by compassion, kindness, love and equanimity.
I don’t want to want the same things I coveted before,
I don’t want to aim for those goals, those ideals anymore.
I don’t know what’s next or what is even feasible,
But this journey of silence, is immensely enjoyable.
Erase ego – is that a goal?
Losing oneself to become whole?
Nirvana may be a mirage,
But a moment of silence is possible.