I met the devil today

Posted on December 3, 2017


What does the devil look like? What does the devil say? How will I save myself? How will I make the devil go away?

I am undergoing a huge change. Even though it was sort of my choice, it will mean an adjustment in every sphere of my life. I quit my job. Without another one in hand. No, my job didn’t suck. In fact, it was my dream job. It paid me reasonably well; I worked 35 hours / week. I helped people who are experiencing the most feared illness of all — Alzheimer’s Disease. When clients and professional acquaintances and colleagues found out about my decision, my inbox was inundated with messages of appreciation, love and admiration. My phone has not stopped ringing. The “Why” and “What next” will be answered in a different post, when I have gotten over the novelty and shock of this decision.

I began this morning with a purpose. A song in my heart, a spring in my step. I took the garbage out. I dropped my partner to the train stop. On the way back, I stopped to fill gas at Costco when I realized my phone was missing. And then I remembered. I had put it on top of the car when I was taking the garbage out. And I had driven away without picking it up. I had lost my phone. A shiny Samsung S7. I felt a wee bit stupid. Did I mention it was a phone wallet? My driving license, preloaded subway pass and credit card were in it as well. I have never lost a phone before actually!

Losing a phone today is a hassle. Data comes back from the cloud magically. It is the other stuff that is annoying. I began by cancelling my credit card and blocking my number. I had to now go and get a replacement driving license. While I was in the shower, I remembered! I had to change passwords on every app on the phone, lest someone should use it! And thus began the hour long saga of changing passwords: Gmail, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, online banking, Amazon, and the list goes on.

Exhausted after this morning craziness, I went into the kitchen. There were no groceries. I was hungry. And then I heard a voice. Loser. It whispered. You quit your job and now a series of bad luck will befall upon you. Tears stung my eyes. There was a lump in my throat. My heart began palpitating. There were butterflies in my stomach. You’re done.The voice was almost gleeful. I thought of getting into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

20170610_170940And then out of nowhere, I heard a loud voice. NO. Just NO. It was me. My voice was booming and confident. I decided to make a meal. I opened up all the cabinets in the kitchen. I found some lentils in one. I found almost rotten (but not quite) tomatoes in the fridge. The pressure cooker was clean. I decided to make lentil curry with quinoa. I chopped the tomatoes and put them in and the lentils with some traditional Indian spices to pressure cook. I put the quinoa to cook on the other burner. And as the smell of the spices filled the air, I began to relax.

even if i never work again, i will be fine. but, my private practice will succeed. even if it’s hard for a while, eventually it will pay off. i am a great clinician. just look at the things that people — professionals and clients have said! god will make a way. keep the faith.

And just like that, the feeling dissipated. This is not the first time I’ve heard the whispers. But mostly I have let them get louder. I have believed them and let them diminish me. Not today. I was pleasantly and gratefully surprised. My meal was ready in 20 minutes. As I ate, I felt the nourishment seep into every cell of my body. I felt peace, energy and contentment.

Sometimes, the devil is inside of me. It is me. Sometimes, the victim is me. But today, the victor is me.

Posted in: attitude