Sid sent me this article about the reaction of a person living with dementia to an old photograph. The man in this article seems to be in the middle stages of dementia. When he looked at an old photograph of himself with his girlfriend from decades ago, he recognized that the woman in the picture loved him. He did not know that the woman in the picture was standing in front of him, or who she was (in relation to the picture), yet he remembered the love.
This reminds me of something related to mom. Losing mom to Alzheimer’s was very confusing for me, a mere teenager. At times I wanted her to be my mother – hug me, comfort me, love me. Of course these were unrealistic expectations. The incident that I am about to narrate, dates back to the time when my mom was way past the middle stages. She, who could speak 4 languages, was no longer speaking more than a few words. She, who used to take children trekking, was no longer able to walk without assistance. She, who loved food, was no longer able to chew or swallow. She would sleep when we made her, and she would sit when we made her. She must weight around 29 kgs or about 63 lbs.
During this phase, it was terribly overwhelming at times to be her daughter-mother. There were tears I cried that no one saw. But she did. I would break down and put my head in her emaciated lap. And without any prodding, she would start stroking my hair and humming, “Aaa, aaa, aaa”, you know the sound that Indian mothers use to soothe their babies…that very same one. And in those moments, she was a mother again. Without her knowledge. I am not saying she was my mother, but she was A mother. If this is not love, I don’t know what is.
Pramada
February 3, 2013
thanks for this
Henri
February 5, 2013
I know how we all need reminders sometimes. Thank you for reading.
vivek
February 3, 2013
True,it really is very touching.From the picture shown above no one will know Mummy was so ill,the smile on her face is so radiant.A very beautiful picture of you and Mummy.Even today i feel she is around me somewhere,i don’t know how to explain.
Henri
February 5, 2013
I don’t know what to say, pappa. But I understand. She’s with us, each day, whether we like it/believe it or not.
Kalpana
February 4, 2013
Thank you for sharing this profound insight into *love* and if you sense her around you as vivek says i am sure it is because she is with you. Love keeps us going ! Hug
Henri
February 5, 2013
Thanks Kalps!
preetibk
February 4, 2013
very touching Ekta, thanks for sharing, whenever i see your posts I cannot even imagine how you would have felt and how hard the whole thing is…
Henri
February 5, 2013
Hi Preeti, thank you for reading my post and taking the time out to comment. Yes, it was hard, but now i am strong, and have a purpose, but doesn’t take away from the fact that we, her family, miss her everyday.
Anonymous
February 4, 2013
Hi… I read your post…. I loved it the most….. When I am with my 5-month old son and when he is crying or laughing… I feel something which brings tears and laughter to me and I have said this soooo many times to myself…. that is probably what love is…..
I can only imagine what your mother mustve felt when you put your head in her lap…. it is one of the most gratifying feelings I have had to console a child and I dont know what to say but you know when u were crying and you chose her lap to cry… you made her a mother again… I feel that when a child chooses to be around his or her mother during happiness or sorrow…. it is the mothers priviledge not the child’s.
Henri
February 5, 2013
Thanks so much babe, so beautifully put.
Anonymous
February 4, 2013
I know i should have written this much earlier but no excuses so here goes. I read almost all your blogs and i am touched with the way you write especially about your mother and Alzheimer’s and how you were the care giver, etc .. I did know you back when we were in Aiesec together but never knew about your life, your struggles, etc .. i did remember you as this happy go lucky girl always with a glint in her eye .. If i knew all this then, i would have rushed to give you a great big hug .. i just had to write to you today and tell you that you are an extraordinary girl .. and your mother is really proud of you and is looking at you and feeling so happy to have made this awesome daughter .. TC babe .. you are truly awesome .. Stay Blessed .. !
Henri
February 5, 2013
I can only say that your comment made the 17-year old me feel a lot better. We were kids when we were in AIESEC and not sure we’d have known how to deal with something like this. But, the important thing is we can connect right now 🙂 Thank you for always reading and appreciating.
Chris Carter
February 5, 2013
Watching a parent vanish behind a veil is heart wrenching. Those rare moments of connection are precious.
Henri
February 5, 2013
Hi Chris, I came to your blog through your comment on another blog. I read some of the posts about your visits to see you your dad. I LOVED them, and the sketches make the posts all the more special. Thank you for stopping by my blog and taking the time to leave a comment. I was so young when my mom got Alzheimer’s, but I miss her everyday.
Anamika/Thinking Cramps
February 18, 2013
This was really touching. It’s awful when you lose a person even before you’ve physically lost them – when they become a shell instead of the individual you knew and loved, and who loved you back. Thanks for sharing your story.
Henri
February 18, 2013
Hi Anamika, thank you for visiting my blog and taking the time out to comment. Yes, Alzheimer’s is THE most dehumanizing disease I have ever come across and I cannot say it’s been easy to get over/cope or understand the journey…but I try.
sukanyabora
February 19, 2013
Always love your posts about your mom. Hugs.
Shashank
March 31, 2013
I am speechless after reading this. Don’t know what to write. 😦
Nupur JAin
September 23, 2013
overwhelmed!!!
Naitra
December 4, 2013
Beautiful post. So moving.