How Can I Promise Him Forever?

Posted on March 29, 2011

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It’s been a while since I thought of the BIG AD and what it means or implies to my life. These days I am incredibly happy. Very grateful for all the surging joy I feel inside of me each day. I think about God more often these days than I have even in my darkest times. I say thank you to her/him a million times.

Yesterday, my husband of 3 weeks hugged me and said, “It’s you and me now! There’s no going away for the next 50 years!” I looked at him and smiled. But for the first time in months my fairytale wavered. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. But I made a resolve to not cry even as he asked, “Can you promise me that?”

How could I promise him the next 50 years when I am not sure I have the next 15! Of course, no one knows when they are going to die…but being dead while being alive…that can scare anybody, right?

It’s 10 years since my mother died. But the shadow of the BIG AD never seems to retreat for long. Will I? Won’t I? Have I inherited the gene mutation? Will it give me the BIG AD? Will I get it like her in my 40s? Or will it came later in life? Will it come? When will it come?

I have no answers to these questions. I know that a genetic test will just tell me whether I have the gene mutation, but cannot predict if I will ever display signs of dementia or if I will, then when.

I have control over only now. I can’t promise him the next 50 years. But I can promise him the “right now”, my present. Am I doing all I can? Am I smiling as often as I can? Am I telling him enough that I look at him so many times each day in disbelief that I deserve so much love? Am I telling him enough that he’s the best thing I did for myself?

I am going to start now 🙂

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Posted in: Relationships