Sometimes I…

Posted on July 23, 2010


[Idea taken from Krys, my blog buddy]

Happiest Day in 2008 - Fort Kochi

Sometimes I relive moments of the past. By that I mean, return to a particular day, most of the times, a happy day and relive every moment of that day. I try to remember (and I do) what I ate, what I wore, where I went and with who, what they ate, wore, said and so on. It makes me feel safe. This is my way of retreating to my happy place. Sometimes I do itย with a chunk of days and go through each day methodically. And because I do this, I know the BEST days, I’ve had in the last three years.

Sometimes I feel like I am not living upto my potential. No, this is not a conflict between low self esteem and delusions of grandeur, rather a realisation that I am probably wasting my life, wallowing in mediocrity because it is just too hard to get up and get moving and do all it takes to be as successful as I’d like to be.ย  God gave me the intellect, but forgot to give me the resolve. I have great ideas and I begin working on them too, and then very soon I feel tired and give up. But I am not unhappy with my life. If I had to work on even 20% of the ideas I have, I’d be exhausted and completely unable to enjoy what I have right now.

Sometimes I cry. It’s like purging all the grudges and negativity. I just let myself go and cry. Alone. Loudly. But when it’s done. I am completely calm and ready to take on the world. It has always worked for me. I emerge stronger, more focussed and free.

Sometimes I try to ignore the thoughts in my head. Especially of jealousy and competitiveness. But I don’t manage it. So I just say it aloud to myself. For e.g. “I am jealous of Roberto because he has no spiritual conflict.” And then I do a much better job of trying to resolve my dissatisfaction more proactively. I can totally see the things Roberto does or has done to reach where he is and I try to do them.

Sometimes I wish I lived closer to Roberto or to my best friends. I have this dream that we would construct one big multi-storeyed building and all MY friends would live in it. The apartments would be nice and comfortable and since all MY friends lived in it, I’d have the choice of hanging out with whomever I wanted without suffocating any of them. I feel lonely in this city sometimes. It’s hard being single yet committed. No one wants to waste their time on someone who just wants to “hang out”. Everyone is looking for someone special.

Sometimes I don’t feel close to anyone. I hide. I stop talking about what I am feeling. I push people away. This is completely different from my gregarious, friendly, compulsively expressive self. But the loner in me comes out when I can’t relate to anybody and I am sick of listening to people’s laments about their lives.

My mom - 1951 - 2001

Sometimes I daydream of what life would have been like if mum was alive. And then I feel sad. Because even in my imagination, the vision doesn’t appear. Or when a vision does appear, it tells me I would not be half the person I am today. It makes me feel bad that I’d rather be who I am than spend my time wishing mum was alive and well. It’s complicated. But very simple. I have come to terms with the loss, but not with the effect it has had on me.

Sometimes I am the best person I know. The feeling rocks. I have never been the worst person I know even when I do something wrong and it helps me to forgive myself and move on and be good again.

Sometimes I do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even eat.