I watched her wither, I wished she died,
And then I burned in shame, I tried to hide.
I spoke to none, I knew I’d be shunned,
In my own private hell, I began to reside.
She knew me not, yet I wanted her to know,
I was her little one, the one she bore.
But she continued to fray, and I continued to stray,
It took our core each day, in living graves, we both just lay.
I hit her once, and told no one,
I knew they’d say, she should’ve borne a son!
I fed her, and bathed her, and held her and cried,
And tried to grow up, oh, how hard I tried.
No one came to visit, not family or friends,
Equations changed, and I struggled to make sense.
Father had to earn and he chose to stay away,
Sister and I kept household crises at bay!
Sister got married, it then fell unto me,
To care for that woman, who my mother couldn’t be,
And I cradled her as a baby, though 49 she was,
Each day, each week, just added to the loss.
And she died one day, after saying goodbye,
I couldn’t believe I had willed her to die.
She was my mother, albeit she knew me not,
And I had killed her, as if with my thoughts.
I took to the bottle, and popped a few pills,
I needed to pay, I had to pay for my sins,
But when I awoke, I was still alive,
I realised I had to live, I couldn’t be naive.
I wrote a letter to my mamma long gone,
Said sorry and let go, and I tried to move on,
And that’s when I realise “The Foundation” was born,
As people join in, as “The Foundation” forms,
I smile and rise, my new life, I’m reborn!
— For my mother, you didn’t die in vain! I love you. Thank you for being you!
September 2013: I am no longer working on “The Caregiver’s Foundation” as I had originally thought. Life has taken me a slightly different route. I am still making sense of where my efforts in helping families affected by Alzheimer’s will go. But please keep me in your prayers.
Nino's Mum
October 2, 2009
all my love. huge hugs.
I can only peep in and watch this unfold: but if I could please know, I would have held your hand.
Swapna Kishore
October 12, 2009
Thank you for this beautiful, honest, heart-touching poem.
Hugs, Swapna
austere
October 14, 2009
This is poignant.
You've brought back memories of my invalid mom who I've watched wither away.
It is a tough place to be.
Bravo on the foundation.
here via Swapna's.
Henri
October 30, 2009
@ Nino's Mum, Swapna and Austere: Thank you for the kind words.
Shiny
February 2, 2010
Hey Ekta,
I’m Neil’s friend. When he sent me your blog, I was instantly hooked — I procrastinate on my school work with this now:P. You just have this way with words that just captures so many different emotions all at once.
I lost my dad two and a half years ago as well…at 18, I’ve felt so many of these things…to be honest, I’m pretty glad someone else has as well. This was truly beautiful…keep posting, because I’ll definitely be reading!
Ekta Hattangady
February 2, 2010
Shiny, hi 🙂 Neil did tell me that you liked my blog. This poem is truly about some of the experiences that I went through during my mom’s illness. It has shaped me into the person I am today. And don’t feel bad, I am glad if my experiences are helping others to deal with their own experiences. Please feel free to email me any time if you feel the need to chat about anything. Thank you so much for appreciating my writing, it made my day!
sunita rakesh jolly
August 27, 2010
i am wiping my tears when writing this … so much true……..my husband probably felt the same…
pooja
September 14, 2010
hey gomti,
i loved it…remembered mom while reading it….
Henri
September 14, 2010
Thanks Pooj!
Asmi
November 1, 2010
Hi Ekta
Do you know that you can touch people’s hearts in the way you write and I am sure your mother would be turning in her grave just knowing what she has left behind.
Love you Ekta for what you have become and made of your life and I am sure you will go places.
Hugs
Asmi
Henri
November 1, 2010
🙂 Yes Asmi, she’d never have fallen sick if she’d have known I’d have been such a firecracker 🙂
Anuja Jhaveri
May 20, 2013
Ekta didi..
this is so touching………u inspire to fight and be strong.. thanks 4 sharing……..
Sowbhagya Rao
August 29, 2016
That’s Beautiful!